Tonight, I finished watching Grey’s Anatomy’s eleventh season. I’m also in the middle of a KDrama. Maybe I should spend those hours being more productive.. No way. KDrama male leads are freakin’ sexy as hell! It’s not all eye candy and love stories though. The characters can go through such personal growth. The dialog, the acting, the emotion that’s conveyed in their eyes; it’s poetry. It’s a nightly session in how to love, gain confidence, be generous, how to forgive the unforgivable.
I had a call today with a potential client. The first in a long time. Interestingly, the success of my current project, the fantastic reviews from users, had me very nervous. You’d think that would lift me up. Instead it made me dread the imagined impending failure. Certainly this client would find some reason to reject me.
This is where the pre-negotiation ritual comes in. It’s purpose: to ease one out of the dark, uninspired, pit of self-doubt. Some watch a funny clip (really great for getting one’s creative juices flowing) or repeat an uplifting phrase.. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” No rituals for me. I sat and thought about my dramas.
There was a scene where one of the Grey’s surgeons was going into an insanely difficult surgery. Everyone was expecting the patient to die. The surgeon, before scrubbing in, stood in the heroes pose. She claimed that standing in that pose, before doing something challenging, would give the person a confidence boost.
I held that scene in my mind. I watched a minute go by.
Another scene came to me. This time from my kdrama. The lead actress was at a pivotal point where she needed to step up and do a hard thing. She hesitated. Then she closed her eyes and there was a montage of her thoughts she was drawing strength from. When her eyes opened, she was a different person. She nodded as if to say, “Ok I freaked out for that moment and that’s all the freaking out I will do. I’m ready.”
I abruptly hit the call button. With oh Ji An’s image in my mind, standing strongly, I placed the call. The conversation went well. There’s many more steps between that first call and a contract, but no matter. That first step is always the hardest.
Motivation, inspiration, strength, confidence come from places you least expect. I’m going to pay it forward and continue to breastfeed in public. Right smack in the middle of the world. No covers. No private breastfeeding rooms. Just me and my kids right where we are. Because someone might see, and later open their eyes, and have what they need to be awesome.